The point of using a pseudonym on this blog is to allow me to be more honest, to talk about numbers and experiences without bottling them up and dwelling on them, resulting in increased negativity. It’s also to save me from the embarrassment of actually telling people that I know what I actually weigh or that I ate something so terrible and counter-productive to my weight loss goals.
So I guess if I’m going to try to commit to a healthier life style, I have to do that mentally, too, which means that I have to be honest about every aspect of the journey – with you and with myself.
We started this blog on Wednesday, August 1. Our start date and initial weigh-in corresponded with the beginning of the month, but we want to make Monday our official weigh-in day since, pragmatically speaking, it’s the beginning of the week. Also, we hope to use it to help keep us accountable on the weekends. Since we are at the beginning of our journeys, starting with excited hopes of creating a community with this blog and renewed commitment and enthusiasm. Usually that giddiness and pride of a new diet or new start propels me at least for the first few weeks.
Usually. I don’t know what happened to me this weekend. I don’t know why I let myself fail. I did so well in some respects; I worked out every day, I ate well every day…but the weekend. On Saturday, I fell into a binge. I’ve admitted to this in my biography, and I was inspired when I found a support group on MyFitnessPal (along with a surprisingly supportive community there) who deal with the same struggles. It’s something I’ve wrestled with most of my life, but the intensity and frequency of my binges have (shamefully) increased in the past few months. At some point I’ll get brave enough to write about my struggle with binge eating in more depth on this blog, but suffice it to say for now, it happened on Saturday. And of course, I felt terrible about it.
On Sunday, I had a long workout to try to make up for it, and I also ate virtually nothing the entire day in order to prepare for Sunday night. My birthday is on Wednesday, but I’ll be out of town, so I mustered up a few people with whom to celebrate with a low-key drink. I was nervous because, of course, they would want to buy me more beers than I might want (well, let’s be honest, than I might need; I love a good craft beer), and there would also be appetizers. I’m also not at the point where I feel comfortable telling people in my life that I’m trying to lose weight (yet another forthcoming post). There were onion rings, fries, guacamole, nachos. But still, I didn’t go overboard.
At least I didn’t think so. Even though I didn’t eat well on Sunday, I didn’t eat crazily. And even given the binge on Saturday, comparative to most weeks previous, I had still done pretty well.
The scale didn’t think so. I was devastated to see a 1.4 lb. gain this morning, even after a Boot Camp class at the gym. It was so easy to fall into feelings of self-deprecation and discouragement. That’s something I will always struggle with, and something that I’m blessed to have understanding friends to gchat about, friends/co-bloggers who can be there to support me. I’m not saying those feeling are gone or even going away right now, but it’s important to document this journey, to be honest about all aspects of it, even the frustrations at the beginning.
I’m nervous about going on vacation this week, about not having internet access to document what I’m eating or to connect to friends or fellow dieters. But I’m hoping to stay strong. I’ll let you know how it goes next week.
Naomi: good morning
so I definitely didn’t wake up [to work out when you called this morning] but I also stayed up still 1:30 last night
9:28 AM Elle: well, it doesn’t seem to matter anyway. You can work out everyday and eat well except for two days, one of which you don’t eat anything until the end of the night when you have a couple beers and some nachos, then still gain 1.5 pounds during the first week, which is supposed to be a big water weight loss. I’m so frickin’ frustrated.
Naomi: if you drank last night you will undoubtedly be up on the scale
Elle: it doesn’t matter. I worked my ass off
and it really doesn’t matter
Naomi: BUT with the scale it does matter
drink your water today
Elle: why. it’s liquid, i worked it off
Naomi: and you’ll be fine tomorrow
Elle: no i won’t
i’ll be fat forever
i just iknow it
9:33 AM You will not be fat forever
we are doing this together
Elle: i worked SO FRICKIN HARD. and then i don’t eat hardly ANYTHING yesterday to prepare for drinks, to which i invited about 20 people for birthday drinks and only 3 find me relevant enough to come.
Naomi: and I am telling you if you drink the night before you weigh you will be up
9:34 AM I know the workouts will pay off
the scale hates you
and it hates me too
Elle: no, i hate the scale. the scale is just being honest about my ineptitude
Naomi: and fuck the other 17 people that didn’t show up
9:36 AM sometimes 3 is better than 20
but I’d be disappointed too
Elle: yeah, only if you plan it that way
9:37 AM not when you realize that there are way more people that don’t give a shit about you than do. so much that they don’t even text to say, sorry, i can’t make it
Naomi: but seriously that’s everywhere
you aren’t alone on this one
it was also Sunday
9:38 AM the day before a work day..
Elle: that doesn’t mean your phone stops working
Naomi: i agree there
9:39 AM I get just as mad when people don’t have the common decency to phone or text to say they can’t
9:40 AM Elle: i have to go to the dmv then buy that book
talk to you later
text me if you are bored at the dmv
9:42 AM I sense hostility via gchat
9:44 AM Elle: not at you; i’m just frustrated at myself and it’s already 10 and i’m going to get NOTHING done today because I have to go to the damn dmv for forever
it’s just me, i promise. sorry
9:45 AM Naomi: i feel ya
Elle: blog posted
Naomi: i am here to listen
Elle: i know. thank you