PTSD of the Scale

The point of using a pseudonym on this blog is to allow me to be more honest, to talk about numbers and experiences without bottling them up and dwelling on them, resulting in increased negativity.  It’s also to save me from the embarrassment of actually telling people that I know what I actually weigh or that I ate something so terrible and counter-productive to my weight loss goals.

So I guess if I’m going to try to commit to a healthier life style, I have to do that mentally, too, which means that I have to be honest about every aspect of the journey – with you and with myself.

We started this blog on Wednesday, August 1.  Our start date and initial weigh-in corresponded with the beginning of the month, but we want to make Monday our official weigh-in day since, pragmatically speaking, it’s the beginning of the week.  Also, we hope to use it to help keep us accountable on the weekends. Since we are at the beginning of our journeys, starting with excited hopes of creating a community with this blog and renewed commitment and enthusiasm.  Usually that giddiness and pride of a new diet or new start propels me at least for the first few weeks.

Usually.  I don’t know what happened to me this weekend.  I don’t know why I let myself fail.  I did so well in some respects; I worked out every day, I ate well every day…but the weekend.  On Saturday, I fell into a binge. I’ve admitted to this in my biography, and I was inspired when I found a support group on MyFitnessPal (along with a surprisingly supportive community there) who deal with the same struggles.  It’s something I’ve wrestled with most of my life, but the intensity and frequency of my binges have (shamefully) increased in the past few months. At some point I’ll get brave enough to write about my struggle with binge eating in more depth on this blog, but suffice it to say for now, it happened on Saturday.  And of course, I felt terrible about it.

On Sunday, I had a long workout to try to make up for it, and I also ate virtually nothing the entire day in order to prepare for Sunday night.  My birthday is on Wednesday, but I’ll be out of town, so I mustered up a few people with whom to celebrate with a low-key drink. I was nervous because, of course, they would want to buy me more beers than I might want (well, let’s be honest, than I might need; I love a good craft beer), and there would also be appetizers.  I’m also not at the point where I feel comfortable telling people in my life that I’m trying to lose weight (yet another forthcoming post).  There were onion rings, fries, guacamole, nachos.  But still, I didn’t go overboard.

At least I didn’t think so.  Even though I didn’t eat well on Sunday, I didn’t eat crazily.  And even given the binge on Saturday, comparative  to most weeks previous, I had still done pretty well.

The scale didn’t think so.  I was devastated to see a 1.4 lb. gain this morning, even after a Boot Camp class at the gym.  It was so easy to fall into feelings of self-deprecation and discouragement.  That’s something I will always struggle with, and something that I’m blessed to have understanding friends to gchat about, friends/co-bloggers who can be there to support me.  I’m not saying those feeling are gone or even going away right now, but it’s important to document this journey, to be honest about all aspects of it, even the frustrations at the beginning.

I’m nervous about going on vacation this week, about not having internet access to document what I’m eating or to connect to friends or fellow dieters.  But I’m hoping to stay strong.  I’ll let you know how it goes next week.

Naomi: good morning

so I definitely didn’t wake up [to work out when you called this morning] but I also stayed up still 1:30 last night

15 minutes

9:28 AM Elle: well, it doesn’t seem to matter anyway. You can work out everyday and eat well except for two days, one of which you don’t eat anything until the end of the night when you have a couple beers and some nachos, then still gain 1.5 pounds during the first week, which is supposed to be a big water weight loss. I’m so frickin’ frustrated.

Naomi: if you drank last night you will undoubtedly be up on the scale

Elle: it doesn’t matter. I worked my ass off

and it really doesn’t matter

Naomi: BUT with the scale it does matter

drink your water today

Elle: why. it’s liquid, i worked it off

Naomi: and you’ll be fine tomorrow

Elle: no i won’t

i’ll be fat forever

i just iknow it

Naomi: Elle

9:33 AM You will not be fat forever

we are doing this together

Elle: i worked SO FRICKIN HARD. and then i don’t eat hardly ANYTHING yesterday to prepare for drinks, to which i invited about 20 people for birthday drinks and only 3 find me relevant enough to come.

Naomi: and I am telling you if you drink the night before you weigh you will be up

9:34 AM I know the workouts will pay off

the scale hates you

and it hates me too

Elle: no, i hate the scale. the scale is just being honest about my ineptitude

Naomi: and fuck the other 17 people that didn’t show up

9:36 AM sometimes 3 is better than 20

more intimate

but I’d be disappointed too

Elle: yeah, only if you plan it that way

9:37 AM not when you realize that there are way more people that don’t give a shit about you than do. so much that they don’t even text to say, sorry, i can’t make it

Naomi: but seriously that’s everywhere

you aren’t alone on this one

it was also Sunday

9:38 AM the day before a work day..

Elle: that doesn’t mean your phone stops working

Naomi: i agree there

9:39 AM  I get just as mad when people don’t have the common decency to phone or text to say they can’t

9:40 AM Elle: i have to go to the dmv then buy that book

talk to you later

Naomi: okay

text me if you are bored at the dmv

9:42 AM I sense hostility via gchat

9:44 AM Elle: not at you; i’m just frustrated at myself and it’s already 10 and i’m going to get NOTHING done today because I have to go to the damn dmv for forever

it’s just me, i promise. sorry

9:45 AM Naomi: i feel ya

Elle: blog posted

Naomi: i am here to listen

Elle: i know. thank you


7 responses to “PTSD of the Scale

  1. Hey good afternoon ladies.
    Just read this and started following after seeing your blog on the freshly squeezed 🙂 I too struggle with my weight, I used to be a slim curvy lady with confidence, never was a size zero but I was happy. Then I put on weight over the years and now I’m over weight, but working on it. I too work out every day go on 30 minute runs, do my arm and stomach work outs in the morning & night AND try to more healthy. So I saw you spotted you had put on a pound, I’ve had the same experience after working hard and been confused but it is most likely either water that your keeping or muscle gain. I now tend to avoid the scales and just keep up what I’m doing and check he difference out in the mirror or even measure yourself. Muscle does weigh more than fat so if your building muscle up and losing fat it will be hard to notice a difference so fast. So keep it up & good luck 🙂 Don’t doubt yourself you can do it 🙂 xx

  2. I jumped on the scale randomly (not an acutal weigh-in day) and was devastated to see that it went up 3 pounds, 3. I was so very tempted to just throw in the towel and call this week done but as a wise friend told me, if every setback is the end, you’ll never make progress. Note it, move on and keep working hard, eventually it will pay off. Everyone has those days with the scale; I would be tempted to chunk mine out the window if they weren’t so darn expensive to replace.

  3. The scale can be your best friend and your worst enemy. Randomly getting on the scale can do 1 of 2 things motivate you or complete you deflate you. I only step on the scale on weigh in days because weight fluctuates so much through out the day. Thank you so much for sharing that story with us I agree with your friend setbacks are definitely not the end! Thanks for reading!!

    • Personally I add more veggies that have a hieghr protein content ~ like Kale instead of adding protein to my juices. If you’re eating high protein meat/fish once a day I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I also find it helps me to know when I’m getting off track, and maybe need to have a full day of juice to get back on track. Thanks for your comment!

  4. The scale is my biggest enemy. I try not to get on it if I can help myself. I have limited myself to once or twice a month then I get shocked if there are results. Right now my body is at a plateau that I am working to break through!

  5. I’ve been told that keeping track of inches is better than getting on the scale. I’ve had my own run it with the scale (which I call the “devil”). Measuring my waist, thigh and arm gives me more accurate results. Try it and see how it works for you. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’ll get there and you’re only human 🙂

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