So, I had this dream the other night.
When Naomi and I were beginning to discuss creating this blog (to “dream it up,” as it were; see How GChat Birthed a Blog), we joked about how our wit and charm, in conjunction with our honesty and insight, would make us internet sensations (obviously). This would lead us onto the couches of The Today Show, chatting with Matt Lauer or whomever about our goals and how inspirational we are, thus giving us some much-needed encouragement and blowing up our readership.
But in my dream, I got to thinking. While The Today Show or Good Morning America or any such program would be a phenomenal experience, what show I really want to be a guest on is Ellen.
There are a number of reasons why our appearing on Ellen is not an irrational or unreasonable proposition:
- Ellen loves to feature real people. How many times has she had one of her crew surprise viewers with a gift, or how often does she have a special segment featuring “everyday people” that her “correspondents” encounter out on the road?
- Ellen loves to feature the common (wo)man via social media and the interwebs. You tell me you haven’t seen an episode of Ellen without some kid belting out an amazing cover of some current pop sensation on YouTube (then appearing on the show), and I’ll buy you a cookie. (Low-fat, low-sugar; come on, we’re trying to be healthy here.)
- Ellen has incredible people on her show (despite – yes, I said it) all of the reality stars (with the exception of So You Think You Can Dance anybody – because damn.) Definitely check out the clip with Melissa McCarthy, whom we obviously love.
- Ellen actually seems like she is friends with all of the incredibly famous people on her show – which means she is well-liked and likes well – an admirable quality, especially when so much of our focus on this blog is community. Ellen also has the ability to make anybody who sits in the chair across from her seem funny – and not at their own expense. That is a rare gift.
- Portia de Rossi has written a book called Unbearable Lightness (and appeared on the show) to talk about her struggles with eating disorders. We obviously do not have the same story, but it’s all part of the same conversation. Therefore, our story and our goals are personally relevant to Portia and, by extension, Ellen.
- Ellen loves to dance – and I’m pretty sure we have some pretty sweet moves that can rise to the occasion.
- Ellen would just be fun. And who doesn’t want some fun in their lives on the way to becoming famous?
In this dream, here’s how it would go down. We’d be contacted by Ellen’s people (and then we’d turn to whomever was near us as we talked on the phone, point to it and haughtily say, “Excuse me, I’m on the phone with Ellen’s people.”). They would tell us how much Ellen loved our blog and thought we were being honest and taking a fresh approach to this topic, and she’d love to have us on the show. How does the same week as Ryan Gosling’s appearance sound? Good? OK. Then her people will book the flights, set us up in a hotel, and initiate our climb to fame.
When we arrive in the studio, for the first time we have a makeup artist and a hair artist prep us to show how beautiful we are – I’ve always wanted somebody to apply the tricks of the trade, just to see. Then, we’ll get lost in the hustle and bustle of the backstage, but we’ll be grinning like idiots the whole time because hey, it’s show biz. Then, it’s our cue.
We walk out on stage, spend a few energetic seconds grooving to the beat with Ellen. Then, she hugs us, and we sit down in the seats shared by so many famous celebrities (I’ll never wash my butt again…wait…I take that back…). She compliments us on our stylish yet body-conscious/flattering clothing (carefully chosen with only minimal stress for national television), and we compliment her on her vest and hipster kicks. The conversation ensues. She invites us to tell our story, asking us questions, quoting our Manifesto or some particularly inspired comment. We joke back and forth, surprising her with our senses of humor (you don’t have the market on funny cornered, Ellen. Watch out.). We tell her how part of our goal isn’t just weight loss and better health for ourselves (although obviously we want that); we want people to understand our struggles and to cure ignorance and misconceptions that still persist in our culture, especially regarding the overweight.
So we’ll tell her how we kick ass in exercise classes, no matter what people might expect. Since it’s Ellen, after the commercial break, she’ll come back with something phenomenal like a live-action workout class. We’ll be there, dressed and ready to go in flattering yet functional workout gear and well-worn athletic shoes. Ellen will come out (the crowd will cheer) in a ridiculous sweat band or ‘80s jazzercise ensemble – because that’s how she do. Because I’ve told her of my love for Turbo Jam/Turbo Kick, she’ll bring in Chalene Johnson (who also seems wonderful and kind in person) to lead the class, and we’ll do a quick Turbo session to show the world how badass we are. Or Jillian Michaels (whose DVDs I own almost in full) will come and yell at us until we jump rope a little higher.
Then, since Ellen is so generous and wants to see us and our blog succeed, she’ll set us up with personal trainers at home (how I would KILL for that!) and better gym memberships. We’d get our own segment, where she allows us to go around the country and find other amazing people on journeys toward positivity and health. We’d profile our favorite workouts or classes; I would definitely feature Rod, my favorite Turbo Kick instructor from my last city (or, perhaps he could come on the show with us – his awesomeness deserves recognition). We’d check in with Ellen on our progress, and we’d wind up on the show again the following year, at goal and looking amazing, but still with the passion for encouraging others – and still with some wise cracks to delight the audience.
This will all, of course, lead to an explosion in readership. People will come a-calling with offers of guest blog spots – maybe even some that pay money just to write. And days of searching for freelance work (and living paycheck to paycheck) will end. More importantly, that kind of exposure will give us the kind of accountability that we couldn’t possibly ignore or turn down, the kind of encouragement to succeed in the (pseudo)public spotlight, and the desire to encourage others even if (when) we meet our goal. It would force us to reveal ourselves, to come out from behind pseudonyms and anonymous blogging and face the reality of ourselves and the journey ahead of us. Most importantly, we’d become BFFs with all the Hollywood celebrities. Of course.
Now when I said “dream,” what I really meant was perpetual “daydream.” And when I say “daydream,” I mean “plan” or possibly “campaign.” So, why not “dream” big? Why not tweet Ellen and tell her about this fabulous plan for a segment? Why not tweet repeatedly? Why not ask our readers (you) to tweet the same request? Or to reblog us? Or to email Ellen to recommend that we be a part of the show? Or to feature this post on their Facebook? Or on Ellen’s? What’s the worst that can happen? That nothing would come of it? Well, that’s not so bad…
By the way, did I mention that today is the beginning of Ellen’s new season 10? Perfect timing.
*Also, this is only the first “campaign.” It’s on.
Probably one of my favorite things that Ellen ever did:
The frontrunner for So You Think You Can Dance in season 7 was Alex Wong, a ballet dancer who had amazed us all with a hot hip-hop routine with Twitch (possibly my favorite all-star). Unfortunately, Alex had to drop out of the competition due to injury.
Here’s the original routine – Twitch and Alex “Outta Your Mind”
Fortunately for EVERYONE, Ellen stepped in to pay tribute to Alex in the season finale. Watch the long-form “road” to the finale here; the performance (the most important part) is at the end.
Of course, if Ellen wanted to bring Twitch onto the show we’re on and have us do a routine with him, I’d probably be ok with that, too.